To Be a Mother Read online

  How strange to think of the thousands of times he’d entered his house never dreaming Sam would walk over the threshold one day. Yet it felt so natural for them to be together again, he was stunned by the rightness of it.

  At a glance, he spotted several parkas on the couch. Relief swept over him to see Jessica had brought her friends home. He could hear pop music coming from her bedroom.

  His gaze swerved to Sam, who must have removed her new sheepskin jacket on the way in. There’d been a time when relieving her of her coat provided an excuse to pull her into his arms and kiss her senseless.

  Was that why she’d been so quick to do it herself? Because she remembered? No. Don’t think about that, Kincaid.

  “Just a minute. I’ll tell her you’re here.”

  Might as well get the introductions over with now. Hopefully Sam’s arrival would only cause a brief wonder, then everything could settle down to…normal.

  What was that, anyway? Normal as he knew it was gone forever. As soon as he got a jump-start on a relationship with Gilly or whoever, he would create a different kind of normal. One that was good for him and his daughter.

  One that would help him combat the emotions ripping him to pieces right now.

  He walked down the hall and poked his head inside the room. Jessica and three of her friends were making posters for what looked like next week’s school party. Nick didn’t see the photo albums anywhere.

  She’d been so distraught earlier, he had a hunch she’d decided not to show them to her friends yet. Jessica wasn’t about to share precious information like that if she couldn’t be sure of seeing her mother again.

  “Hi, honey.”

  She lifted a despondent face to him. No sign of tears, but her eyes were still red-rimmed. “Hi, Dad.”

  “Hi, Mr. Kincaid,” the girls said in unison.

  “Hi, girls. You guys look busy.”

  Jessica got up from the floor and walked over to him. “How come you’re home from work this early?”

  “I didn’t make it to the dam. Your mother has decided to stay over for another night. She’s out in the living room.”

  His announcement was met with instant stillness.

  There was no such thing as magic, but his daughter underwent a profound change, as if all the atoms in her body had suddenly lined up at attention.

  “Come and introduce your friends to her before I take them home.”

  Like a star whose light had finally reached earth, her face gave off a new radiance. She turned to the others. “Do you guys want to meet my mom?”

  Surprise dominated their expressions. Eager and curious, they left their markers and posters on the floor and followed Jessica to the living room. Nick watched from a distance.

  “Mom? This is Amanda Tanner. Her dad’s a ranger. And this is Jenny Hughes, whose dad owns the gas station in Moose. And this is Sandy Grayson. Her dad owns the guest cabins down the road.

  “Guys? This is my mother, Samantha Bretton. She’s an attorney for the Idaho National Wildlife Federation in Coeur D’Alene, Idaho.”

  The pride in Jessica’s eyes as she showed off her mother told Nick this had to be one of the supreme moments of her life.

  Her friends took their own mothers for granted. It was only natural. In Jessica’s particular circle, everyone had two parents who were still married to each other and lived together.

  Nick’s daughter had grown up with good friends, but there’d been a few people in her past who’d labeled her the product of a broken home. The stereotype carried a certain sting.

  There was a point in her childhood when she’d mentioned feeling inadequate because she didn’t have a mom in the house. Nick understood Jessica’s feelings, but was powerless to do anything about them. It seemed to her that the golden kids, the ones with two parents, sailed through life with feelings of superiority and confidence.

  So Jessica feared there were those who thought a person with only half a family couldn’t possibly reach maturity and expect to be a whole person.

  Certain shows on television discussed the pros and cons of being raised in a one-parent home. It was argued that some children might not make the best marriage prospects if they grew up without having had both role models to learn from.

  Nick knew some people thought of her as his love child. No marriage, no divorce, only abandonment by her birth mother.

  Jessica’s journey had definitely been harder than Nick’s. Growing up, he’d been viewed by some as that poor boy who’d lost his parents—how tragic it was that he didn’t have a father to teach him how to be a man. How tragic to be left with a daughter to raise all alone. That Kincaid boy must have been born under an unlucky star.

  Nick had heard it all. So had his daughter, who’d poured out her heart to him in her dark moments. But it didn’t matter. So far they’d made it through the growing years just fine. In spite of everything, he and Jessica were happy. That’s what counted.

  Given the chance to do things over again, he would have made the same choice to keep his daughter with him. If he’d listened to the Brettons, she would undoubtedly have been adopted by a loving couple.

  But no one could ever have loved her the way he did. Thank heaven for his uncle Willard, who’d understood his deepest feelings. The man who’d taken over the responsibility of raising him had been a thousand percent behind him when he’d made certain he got custody of Jessica.

  Maybe he was looking over Nick’s shoulder right now. Nick could imagine him smiling at his little redheaded poppet, a replica of the woman who’d endowed her with those blue eyes and that porcelain skin.

  As he watched his daughter interact, he realized this was Jessica’s moment in the sun, to brag and preen over her mother’s four-year academic scholarship to Harvard, her prestigious law degree.

  Do it, honey. Knock ’em dead listing all the accomplishments of the Bretton side of your family. Make them sit up and stare.

  Nick knew he shouldn’t be enjoying this so much, but he couldn’t help it. With every revelation about Jessica’s remarkable mother, her friends’ eyes grew bigger and rounder.

  “Did you know there’s going to be a mother-and-daughter party at our school next Friday night?” Sandy informed her. “My mom and I are in charge of it.”

  “Jessica told me,” Nick heard Sam say. “I’ll be coming with her. Can we bring food? My daughter makes a fabulous chocolate mint cake from an old Bretton family recipe.”

  Sandy blinked. “I didn’t know that. Sure! The party’s potluck. Mom’s going to make chili dogs.”

  “How about if Jessica and I contribute some barbecued baby back ribs, too? They’re another family favorite.”

  “That would be great.” Sandy sounded totally shocked.

  Nick had problems holding back his laughter.

  “Did you know there’s going to be a talent show too?” Jenny asked.

  Sam nodded. “What are you and your mom going to do?”

  “Probably sing a medley from Fiddler On The Roof.”

  “Don’t you love Tevye?”

  “Tevye?”

  “Umm. The father. You know. ‘If I were a rich man…”’ Sam’s eyebrows lifted expressively. “‘Yabba yabba yabba yabba doo.”’

  “Oh,” Jenny murmured. “I don’t know that one.”

  “There were a lot of songs from that musical. Tevye’s was a man’s song, anyway.” Sam smoothed over the moment. “What about you and your mom, Amanda?”

  “We’re going to do a gymnastics routine. She did gymnastics in college.”

  “How exciting!” Sam exclaimed with genuine pleasure. “I can’t wait to watch.” She turned to Sandy. “Are you and your mom going to perform, too?”

  “Yeah. I play the violin. Mom’s going to accompany me.”

  Sam smiled at all of them. “With everyone so talented, it sounds like a wonderful evening’s in store. I can hardly wait.”

  Nick decided it was time to step in. “If you girls want to get your posters out
of the bedroom, I’ll drive you home.”

  They hurried to gather up their things. He helped them on with their parkas. Everyone walked out to the Xtera, even Sam. “It was wonderful meeting you girls. See you next Friday!”

  As Nick backed out of the garage, the sight of her standing in the doorway leading into the kitchen haunted him. He looked away to discover two pairs of eyes staring at him from the back seat.

  Jessica’s friends were definitely viewing him in a different light. He was no longer the man of mystery he’d once been. His past had caught up to him.

  Nick could hear them having to reconstruct their thinking. It was serious business trying to figure out who Jessica Kincaid really was…. No doubt about it. Sam’s unexpected entry into Jessica’s life had given them a lot to think about.

  Unfortunately, Sam had given him a lot to think about, too.

  ONCE THEY WERE BACK in the house, Samantha turned to her daughter. “Is that upright piano in the living room a decoration only?”

  A tiny smile bent the corner of her mouth. “Dad’s family gave it to us when his uncle Willard died. They said he wanted me to have it because I always liked to make noise on it when we went to his house.”

  “What a fabulous gift. He must have loved you a lot.”

  She nodded. “Dad told me I’d better learn to really play it so it wouldn’t go to waste.”

  “And do you?”

  “Kind of. In seventh grade I started taking piano lessons from a lady in Jackson. Now the high school orchestra teacher gives me a half-hour lesson every Tuesday and Thursday after my last class. But I’m not very good.”

  “Do me a huge favor and let me hear you?”

  “Okay. But promise you won’t laugh.”

  “I would never do that.”

  She followed Jessica into the living room and watched her pull some music from the piano bench. After a false start, her daughter played a familiar Beethoven prelude with surprisingly good technique.

  “That was terrific! Don’t stop. Play something else.”

  Soon Jessica had executed an excellent rendition of the “Shepherd’s Song” from Debussy’s Children’s Corner.

  “You have a fine touch,” Sam declared when she’d finished. “Let’s see what else you’ve learned.”

  With a smile on her face, Jessica moved off the bench so Samantha could look through the rest of her music. Her eye fell on a book of Schubert duets. She drew it out and closed the piano bench.

  “Have you learned any pieces from this yet?”

  Jessica nodded. “The ‘Marche Caracteristique.’ My teacher plays it with me.”

  “I bet you had to learn the top part.”

  “Yup. How do you know that?”

  “Because I took piano lessons from the time I was seven until I was sixteen. My teacher made me learn this piece, too. Come on. Let’s see how we sound together.”

  For the next little while Samantha had the time of her life playing the lower part of the duet with her daughter. They did several run-throughs to work out the kinks, then pulled off a fairly polished performance.

  When they’d finished, their cry of triumph was drowned out by someone clapping. Samantha turned around on the bench. Nick had come into the living room without them being aware of it.

  Earlier, at the airport, his eyes had resembled twin thunderheads. Now they gleamed silver. “I know a gymful of mothers and daughters who’ll be green with envy when the Kincaid-Bretton duo takes all the honors.”

  Jessica ran over and hugged her father. “Can you believe Mom plays the piano, too?”

  “I knew she’d taken lessons.”

  “But your father never heard me play. I’m afraid I gave it up before we met,” Samantha confessed. “As of now, however, I repent of every minute I ever cursed my parents and piano teacher for making me practice. I’m in awe of your talent, darling. In fact I’m so proud of you, I can hardly stand it!”

  Her daughter’s face glowed. “Thanks, but you’re the expert.”

  “No. I haven’t touched the piano in years.”

  “It didn’t sound that way to me,” Nick said.

  “You know what they say. It’s like riding a bike. You never forget. Except that there’s all the difference in the world between getting around the block in one piece, and winning the Tour de France.”

  Nick burst into laughter.

  Samantha hadn’t heard that beautiful sound since before the night she’d told him she was pregnant. Right now a smiling, laughing Nick from the past was too much for her to handle.

  Jessica gave her a speculative glance. “How come you decided to stay another night? I thought you had a…date.”

  A date.

  If her daughter meant with a man, Samantha needed to disabuse her of that notion. Jessica was so busy internalizing every bit of information, the last thing Samantha wanted was for her to get the wrong impression.

  Nick was the only special man in or out of Samantha’s life. To tell her daughter anything else would be a lie, and it would worry her unnecessarily.

  “I have a friend named Marilyn May. She might as well be a sister to me. We’re that close. She still thinks I’m coming back tonight. I need to call her and let her know I won’t be home until tomorrow.”

  “Oh.” Jessica’s face brightened. “Are you staying at the Elk Inn again?”

  “I haven’t made any plans yet.”

  Nick moved closer to them. “I went to the airport to see if I could catch your mother before she left. Luckily, she hadn’t boarded the plane, so we were able to talk. I told her how upset you were.”

  Their daughter’s features froze. “I wish you hadn’t done that, Dad.”

  “I’m glad he did,” Samantha interjected, “otherwise I wouldn’t have known how he really felt about my going to the mother-and-daughter party with you.”

  “What do you mean?”

  The truth, Samantha. She would always tell the truth from here on out. Once upon a time she’d lied to Nick by not telling him she was underage. That sin of omission had changed the course of history. Never again.

  “When you were born, I’d made the promise to my parents that I would give you up, so the doctor didn’t allow me to see you or hold you after the delivery.” In the retelling, she found her nails digging into the palms of her hands.

  “Soon after your father took you home from the hospital, I had to sign papers giving him sole custody of you. That meant I had no moral or legal rights to see you or be with you ever again. It was the law.” Sam took a breath.

  “But I broke that law by calling him last week and asking him if I could visit you, anyway. He was noble enough to tell you I’d phoned, and to let me come. I didn’t know if it was a one-time concession he’d made for me out of the goodness of his heart or not. To be honest, I was terrified to ask for more time with you in case he felt I was trying to take advantage of that goodness.

  “It’s the only reason I told you I couldn’t go to the party with you. Do you understand what I’m saying now?”

  “Honey…” Nick put a hand on Jessica’s shoulder because she wasn’t talking. “I couldn’t figure out why Sam had turned you down for the party. I must confess it angered me because, like you said, it seemed pointless for her to bring the albums if she had no intention of seeing you again.

  “I wanted an explanation from her so I could put a stop to your pain one way or the other. When I learned the truth, it cleared up the misunderstanding. She wants to go to the party with you. I want her to go with you.”

  Their daughter studied them for a full minute. Samantha could almost hear her brain working. “If it was against the law to try and see me, but you broke it anyway, how come it took you so long before you did it?”

  So much pain and longing echoed in that one question….

  “I never wanted to sign the papers, Jessica, but a promise is a promise. Don’t forget I lied to your father by not telling him I was only seventeen. When he told me he didn’t date
cute little freshmen girls, I knew I couldn’t reveal the truth. Otherwise he really wouldn’t have dated me. It was a sin of omission, and it was wrong.

  “Your father deserved better. In fact, he deserved the best I could give. I felt that if I honored that promise, then it would be the best I could give. So life went on. He went his way with you. I went mine. I excelled in school and was able to pick the job I wanted after receiving my law degree. But I would be telling a lie if I said that I never looked back.

  “A few weeks ago the pastor of my church came to visit me. He asked if there was anything in my life I hadn’t resolved. His question set off an explosion inside me like the one that blew the top off Mount Saint Helens. I thought, I hoped, I prayed maybe your father would forgive me if I tried to see you this one time so I could tell you how much I’ve always loved you.”

  Jessica’s eyes welled with tears. “I’m so glad you called.”

  “So am I, darling.”

  Whether it was right or wrong, Samantha opened up her arms. Her daughter came running into them.

  Through the red-gold curls she could see the concern in Nick’s eyes. During the next heart-to-heart with her daughter, and there were going to be more in the future, thanks to his generosity, Samantha would tell her about her medical history.

  “Dad?” Jessica said after finally letting her go. “Can Mom stay here tonight? I’ll put her in my bedroom, and I’ll sleep on the hide-a-bed in here.”

  “You two make any arrangements you want. I’m going to run to the dam, and should be back for dinner by six-thirty.”

  Jessica turned a euphoric face to Samantha. “That means seven-fifteen to seven-thirty.”

  Samantha chuckled.

  “What do you want for dinner, Dad?”

  “Tacos will be fine,” Nick called over his shoulder. Within seconds Samantha could hear the sound of the truck as he backed out of the garage.

  “Mom? What was one of dad’s favorite foods when you two were dating?”

  “Pizza.”

  “Besides that? We have it all the time, and spaghetti and tacos.”