Meant-To-Be Marriage Page 4

  She kept telling herself maybe this final meeting was what they both needed to settle their unfinished business. Once he left Gardiner for good, they could get on with their separate lives and not look back. This would be the closure she desperately needed.

  Out of the periphery she noticed his black hair was longer than she’d remembered. When he returned to his duties without his beard, the parish would notice the changes in him and be stunned.

  She swallowed hard. There couldn’t be a more attractive man alive anywhere. His overwhelming physical appeal forced her to hold on to the open car door for a moment while she waited to get control of her emotions.

  “You look incredibly beautiful, Sydney.”

  The first words to come out of his mouth left her tongue-tied so that her response was unintelligible. He’d destroyed the myth that she could ever forget him. In fact his intimate observation acted like a verbal assault on her senses. During those nine months in Cannon he’d rarely spoken his private thoughts…except through his lambent green eyes.

  Avoiding his gaze, she climbed inside. Afraid he would touch her and realize the true state of her feelings, she tried her best to elude him, but her arm accidentally brushed against his chest anyway. At the first contact, unaccustomed desire stole through her body.

  She still had a hard time believing he’d come to Montana, that she was about to drive off somewhere alone with him.

  A couple of the tenants waved and smiled at her. They could see she was in the company of a tall, dark stranger.

  She nodded to them before Father Kendall closed the door. He walked around the car and levered himself inside behind the wheel. She could feel his eyes on her.

  “Living in an apartment is like living in a goldfish bowl much the same way I once lived back in Cannon.”

  Once?

  Surprised by the revelation, her head swiveled around so she could look at him. He started the car and headed out of town.

  “Does that mean you’ve been transferred to another parish?”

  She heard his abrupt intake of breath. “I’d prefer to wait until we arrive at our destination before answering your questions. If you’ll reach around on the back seat, I brought us hamburgers and fries. I thought we could eat en route.”

  En route to where?

  Sydney had thought he was taking her out to dinner. His cryptic statements were unsettling enough, but it was his mysterious behavior that was beginning to alarm her.

  Thankful for something to eat that might take the edge off her frayed nerves, she undid the seat belt long enough to retrieve the large sack. Inside she found two colas and several portions of cheesecake packed with the food. She put the drinks in the holders between their seats, then handed him his meal.

  After thanking her, he began eating with what seemed a healthy appetite, as if this were an everyday occurrence for him. Normally she was hungry after work of any kind, but right now her emotions made her stomach clench. She could only eat a few bites.

  “This tastes good,” she finally murmured if only to fill the unsettling silence.

  “You’ve hardly touched your food.”

  Ignoring his observation, she cleaned everything up and put the sack on the floor of the back seat.

  Shadows formed by the pines were growing longer. Soon night would fall.

  A tangible quiet filled the car during the drive. She could hardly breathe for the tension between them. Though he was a stranger here, he seemed to know his way around.

  He drove them into the little town of Ennis. In a few minutes they came to a tiny, white, nondenominational church partially hidden by giant jack pines. There were no cars or people. He pulled into the parking area around the side where they were away from the street, then he shut off the motor.

  Once again he’d surprised Sydney by coming to this particular spot. Maybe she’d been wrong about his reasons for seeking her out. If that was the case, and he’d wanted to talk to her in a holy place, why a church located on the other side of town? What was going on? She simply didn’t understand him.

  Unable to handle the silence any longer, she cried, “Father Kendall—I…I—”

  “Don’t call me that,” he interrupted. “I have no more parish to minister to. I’ve left the priesthood.”

  Sydney’s body froze.

  “What did you just say?”

  “Two months ago I laid my case before the Church. I’m no longer Father Kendall, and never will be again.”

  She couldn’t comprehend it. The shock was so great, she wasn’t able to think or talk.

  “I don’t question your incredulity, Sydney. If I hadn’t lived through this experience myself, I wouldn’t believe it, either. But it’s true.”

  A rush of adrenaline drove her out of the car where she could breathe in fresh air and try to process what he’d just told her. She stood beside the car hugging her arms to her waist.

  When he approached, she lifted tormented eyes to him. “Why did you leave?”

  A stillness came over him. He studied her features for what seemed like an eternity. “You already know the answer to that question. I fell in love with you.”

  Like the thrust of a lance, overwhelming guilt pierced her soul. Her body shook. “No—please tell me that wasn’t the reason.”

  Lines darkened his face, making him appear older. “You were there when it happened because you fell in love with me, too. We suffered nine months in silence. Tonight I’ve broken that silence.”

  Tears slipped down her cheeks. “It’s all my fault—” Her voice rang throughout the pines.

  His jaw hardened. “What are you talking about?”

  “After the first time I took Brenda to your office, I should never have gone with her again. When she told me she wouldn’t go for any more counseling sessions unless I accompanied her, I clung to that excuse so I could see you. But deep in my heart, I knew it was wrong.

  “For that whole school year I deluded myself into believing I hadn’t crossed the line with you. But I did cross it!” she cried. “I crossed it every time I found a legitimate way to be with you.”

  “We both crossed it, Sydney. I made certain we could be together under all possible circumstances.”

  His confession caused her to groan out loud. “If I’d been a stronger person, I would have stolen away from Cannon without your ever knowing about it. Instead I sought you out one last time. I shouldn’t have done that.”

  There’d been a price to pay for the kiss of desperation they’d exchanged. Only now was she beginning to understand the far-reaching ramifications of her actions.

  By now moisture dripped off her chin. “L-last night I thought you came to-to—”

  “I know what you thought,” he cut in. “You had every right to assume what you did.”

  She buried her face in her hands. “I’m a horrible person. I threw temptation in the face of a man who’d pledged himself to a life of celibacy. I can’t bear it that I’m the reason you gave up your vocation.

  “You’re such a wonderful priest. When I think about all the good you’ve done, your kindness and understanding in handling Brenda who’d wanted to get an abortion. Because of your guidance and advice, she gave her baby up for adoption. I’m so ashamed of my actions. To think my reckless behavior has led you to this—” She swung her head around.

  “You can’t do it, Jarod! You have to go back and tell them you made a mistake. I’m sure hundreds of other celibate priests have had to overcome periods of temptation. It’s only human and normal. Your superiors will understand and be happy you’ve come to your senses in ti—”

  “You don’t understand, Sydney,” he cut her off. “I have come to my senses. I’ll always love the Church, but I’m a man in love who wants to be your husband.

  “As I told you last evening, I came as soon as I could. Nothing’s changed between us except that our feelings have grown stronger. After last night, I have living proof.” His voice grated.

  Before she could take a
step away from him, he slid his hands to her shoulders. “I brought you here to ask you to marry me.”

  CHAPTER THREE

  “MARRY—”

  “Yes. We can exchange vows in this little church by the pastor who officiates here. I’ve already talked to him.”

  “Wait—” She put her hands in front of her the way she would do to shield herself from a gale-force wind.

  His eyes burst into twin green flames. “I don’t want to wait. We’ve lost time we can never recover. I want to live the rest of my life with you. I want us to have children.”

  She shook her head and jerked out of his grasp. “You don’t know what you’re saying!” Her panic increased. “Please hear me out. The only reason I agreed to meet you after work was so that I could try and make up for my selfishness.”

  “Sydney—”

  His compassion for her pain shook her. “Please, Jarod—let me finish—”

  A grimace marred his features. “Go on.”

  “Like I once told you, I don’t espouse any particular religion, but I honor anyone who does, especially you—a man who’s made sacrifices to commit your whole life to God.

  “Before you came to pick me up, I’d made up my mind to ask your forgiveness for my past actions. E-especially the latest one.”

  One dark brow dipped in query. “Latest one?”

  “Yes.” With the words tripping off her tongue, she told him about her unsuccessful trip to Cannon, with the shattering result that she’d learned he was ill. “I was so afraid it was serious.”

  “It is serious,” he came back intensely. “I’m a man in love.”

  “Don’t keep saying that. In light of the difficulties you face every day in your desire to be a priest, I’m deeply ashamed of what I did.

  “The only reason our professional association turned into something more was because I wasn’t noble or courageous enough to stay away from you.”

  “Don’t torture yourself, Sydney. If you’d tried to avoid me, I would have found ways for us to be together.”

  “That doesn’t matter now. You have to go back to Cannon for yourself, and for me. This time you can fulfill your duties free of any emotional baggage or entanglement where I’m concerned.”

  “It’s too late,” he whispered.

  “Of course it isn’t!” she protested in absolute fear. “You’re not thinking rationally right now. Jarod—I don’t want to be your stumbling block in life. I couldn’t live with myself.

  “The greater love was to let you go, which I did when I left Cannon. I’ve lived without you for fifteen months. Though I gave in to my emotions on Saturday, I honestly can stay away from you a lifetime. I promise I can. One day you’ll thank me. Please take me home now.”

  Without further talk she dashed back to the car and got inside. At this point her whole body was trembling in agony for the part she’d played in Jarod’s earthshaking decision. Because of her, he’d left the priesthood he loved. The pain of knowing it was her fault was too much—

  In a few minutes he joined her. “Sydney? Look at me.”

  She kept her head bowed. “I don’t want to. You’ll always be Father Kendall to me.”

  “Nevertheless I’m no longer a priest. We finally have the freedom to talk. You can ask me anything you want.”

  “I don’t dare.”

  “That’s because you’re afraid.”

  “It’s more than that—a priest doesn’t just leave because he’s been tempted by a woman.”

  “Some do if they realize they can’t stay focused. When there’s no more joy in service, then it’s time to go.”

  She shivered as if someone had just walked over her grave.

  “As soon as I met you, I became like Jacob who wrestled with a dark angel. The agony had to stop.”

  A cry of despair escaped her throat. “But you’re too fine a priest to leave. I saw how much the people love, even worship you. I’ve never known anyone to command such respect and admiration.

  “I—I feel ill that our association has caused you to turn your back on the people you’ve loved.” Her head reared so she could look at him. “I know you love them!”

  “Of course I do. I always will. A part of me will never forget that I was once Father Kendall. But there’s been another part of my body and soul which had lain dormant until you walked into my office. Your arrival into my world became a life changing experience for me. If you’re honest, you’ll admit you felt the same way.”

  Heaven help her but she did—

  A fire had been lit that first day when she’d accompanied Brenda to his office for counseling. Sydney had been the one to encourage her to seek out her own clergyman. Knowing the girl needed support, Sydney had volunteered to go with her to Brenda’s family priest.

  When they’d walked in his office, Jarod had looked up. One glance at the striking priest she’d talked to on the phone prior to the appointment and she’d actually felt delicious pain.

  That moment would always stay with her. She wiped the moisture off her cheeks. “How did you know I wasn’t married yet?”

  He eyed her steadily. “It was something I felt in my gut, but I didn’t get it confirmed until two months ago when the secretary at Cannonball High School helped me track you down.”

  She drew in a ragged breath. “How did she manage that?”

  “I told her I needed her help to locate Brenda, and wondered if her former English teacher, Ms. Taylor, might still be in touch with her. You probably didn’t know Brenda’s family moved from Cannon after you left.

  “To make a long story short, the secretary phoned the school district office and was given your parents’ phone number from your personal history card. She then phoned your mother who told her you’d become a park ranger and worked at Yellowstone.

  “The secretary asked if you went by your married name, at which point your mother indicated you were still single.”

  “I see.”

  Jarod’s resourcefulness shouldn’t have surprised her. Even knowing it was wrong, a part of her thrilled to the knowledge that he’d gone to those lengths to learn her whereabouts. What was wrong with her?

  “It’s been a long time since we last saw each other, Sydney. Long enough for another man to be in your life.”

  The definite edge to his possessive tone sent another shiver racing up her spine.

  “I considered marrying a man who works for the forest service.” She bowed her head. “But in the end I—”

  “You couldn’t commit because of me,” he cut off the rest of her words with what sounded like a groan of satisfaction.

  Since what he’d said was patently true, Sydney couldn’t deny it, yet she couldn’t believe any of this was happening.

  “Jarod—we can’t do this—”

  “Do what?” he came back with unfathomable calm.

  “Be together.”

  “Give me one reason why not.”

  A half sob lodged in her throat. “Because it’s wrong! I can’t view you the same way I would any other man.”

  “I should hope not.”

  His wry response tied her up in knots.

  “You know what I mean,” she cried emotionally. “You’ve left a whole way of life to be with…me.”

  “Didn’t you mean what you said in my office that last day?”

  She squirmed in the seat. “I don’t know what you’re getting at.” What a liar she was!

  He sucked in his breath. “You wanted to stay, but I couldn’t ask that of you while I was still ordained. Now that I’m free, there’s nothing to hold us back from having a life together.

  “We already know how we feel at the deepest level. What we need to do now is be married. We’ll have the rest of ours lives to get to know everything else about each other. Nothing but becoming man and wife will satisfy either of us at this point.

  “We can go away, live anywhere. If you want to stay here and teach, that’s fine. I’ve already been promised a counseling job in Gardiner to suppo
rt us if that appeals to you.”

  “Wait—” she cried. “You’re going too fast for me. I need time to think this all out.”

  He leaned across the seat and caught her chin in his hand. She moaned at his touch. “I love you, Sydney. I did from the very first moments of our meeting. Let’s not waste any more time living apart. Life’s too short. I long to share it all with you. Just tell me you want a life with me, too.”

  His warm breath on her lips sent fingers of forbidden yearning through her system.

  “If the answer is no, then I’ll leave and you’ll never see me again.”

  A cry of pain left her lips. “Does that mean you’ll go back to the Church?”

  “No.” His voice sounded raw. “That part of my life is over.”

  A new fear seized her heart. “Then what will you do?”

  The caress of his fingers against her skin created fire everywhere he touched her. “If you can’t bring yourself to marry me, then it shouldn’t matter to you where I go or what happens to me.”

  The mere thought of his leaving where she could never find him was incomprehensible to her.

  “Jarod—”

  “Say the words I need to hear, Sydney.” His urgency thrilled yet alarmed her.

  “You know I’m so deeply in love with you, my life’s been a desolate waste.”

  “That makes two of us,” he whispered against her lips before his mouth started to cover hers, but she turned her head and pushed him away.

  “Why won’t you let me kiss you?” he whispered against her neck where the scent of her perfume still lingered.

  “Because I feel a guilt that runs so deep, I can’t handle it. The man I loved was a priest. I’m still having an impossible time absorbing the revelation that you’ve left the priesthood. To be honest, I’m terrified.”

  “Of me?” His voice grated.

  “Of course of you. Of me. Of both our feelings. Of all the ramifications!”

  She felt the shudder that racked his hard, fit body before he removed his hands from her arms and sat back in the seat.

  “How can I take your fear away, Sydney? I was a man long before I became a priest.”